Snakepocalypse Now!

After their python tried to eat their 2-year-old, a couple is now on trial for manslaughter for allowing the python to kill the child.

The snake was apparently malnourished, and saw the 2-year-old as a delicious cut of meat. The snake had escaped from its cage in the trailer home repeatedly previously and had not been fed in weeks.

If convicted of manslaughter, third-degree murder and child neglect, the couple could be sentenced to 35 years in prison.

This is also why snakes + babies are a bad, bad idea. PEOPLE.

A cobra has escaped from the Bronx Zoo and is loose and fancy free in New York City!

Okay, maybe not loose. They think it’s in the Reptile House, which is on lockdown. But they haven’t FOUND the bugger yet, so it’s not exactly as though they know for sure where it is. It could be on the subway, heading for somewhere with many delicious tourists. You can’t know until they find it.

PANIC NOW. Panic hard.

A 21-year-old in Raleigh, NC, has willingly become a snake ally by opening a refuge for snakes in his apartment.

On the plus side, these snakes are not being released into the woods, into sewers or into daycare centers to eat innocent babies. He prefers snakes to dogs.

You have to wonder if this kid’s neighbors know he has 3 snakes, pending more, in their apartment complex.

The US Geological Survey published a study identifying challenges in using computer models to predict the potential of pythons to spread across portions of the United States.

Different studies have estimated the risk of python invasion to cover anywhere from the southern third of the United States to just that area of Florida where snakes already reign supreme. It appears that the USGS believes some studies are underestimating the range for potential python invasion.

Meanwhile, in Florida, the burmese python unexpectedly weathered recent freezing temperatures far better than anticipated. Wildlife officials are now routinely pulling snakes off canal levees, including a 13 1/2 foot male python. Clearly, we need to rely on far more than merely climate to fight the snake menace.

MSNBC reports that a man attempting to smuggle a virtual zoo in three checked bags was thwarted by airport security in Bangkok. We salute these security superheroes, for among the boggling number of animals being smuggled were 42 snakes. Yep: FORTY TWO SNAKES. The list:

• 34 ball pythons
• 2 boa constrictors
• 2 corn snakes
• 2 king snakes
• 1 milk snake
• 1 hog nosed snake

Naturally, this was all in violation of lots of laws and the gentleman is in custody waiting for the book to be thrown at him. The snakes are also in custody.

Uh-oh. It’s not enough that we’re fighting invasive snakes on the US mainland. Now snakes are invading Hawaii!

State agriculture inspectors inspectors caught the 4-foot-long black rat snake Sunday with the help of police and citizens. While non-venomous, such snakes prey on native species and are not good for the environment.

The apprehended snake is being held at the Honolulu Zoo and will be sent back to the mainland as part of a reptile exchange program. Yes, that’s what they said. Apparently, there are reptile exchange programs. We are going too far in coddling this menace. I realize due process applies in this country, but not to snakes. Snakes are not citizens and are not in the Constitution. Snakes must be STOPPED.

A New Jersey man is in serious medical condition after being bitten by a cobra over the weekend.

He crossed the border into Pennsylvania to buy an albino Monacled Cobra, an Eastern Diamondback Rattlesnake and a copperhead snake. He also believed the cobra’s venom sacs had been removed. Oops on that one.

Per the story, the victim was a big fan of exotic pets, also having a tarantula, a scorpion and a rabbit in his home. Which kinda tells you the reporter was dumb, because no way was that rabbit a ‘pet.’ It was intended as a tasty snack for one of the snakes. No one keeping snakes, a tarantula and a scorpion picks up a fuzzy wuzzy bunny for cuddles and love.

In any event, beyond getting bitten and hospitalized, the man might also be in a heap of trouble: Ownership of venomous snakes in New Jersey requires special training and permits to ensure the safety of the owner and the public. I’m betting this dude lacked all of the above.

A 76-year-old Florida man is suing a golf course as a result of a horrific alligator attack in which the man’s arm became the alligator’s snack.

Per the news story, wildlife officials were able to pull the gator from the lagoon, killing it in order to retrieve the arm from the alligator’s stomach. Yeah, read that again. They wanted to retrieve the dude’s arm from the alligator’s stomach. Why? I don’t know why! Do you know why? I mean, it’s not like you surgically reattach a 76-year-old arm that’s been gnawed on and partly digested, right? I mean, I really hope not, even though the story says that doctors planned to try to do just that. I mean, what?!

There is, apparently, a photo of the guy’s arm being retrieved. Gross.

Anyway, it just goes to show you that there are many reptilian hazards, and that snakes are just the vanguard of the snakepocalypse. They have allies. And those allies want your appendages as snacks.

Now, we’re no fans of the reptilian menace represented by snakes, but it would be irresponsible of us to not inform our loyal readers of other threats.

Like sharks.

Per the International Shark Attack report, released today, the US is the worldwide leader in shark attacks. We’re #1! We’re #1! Er, wait.

Shark attacks worldwide were also up over 2009. Egypt was especially hard hit with 6 attacks in a single month. Some in the region blamed the shark attacks on Israel.

MSNBC add some important shark attack tips for anyone headed south for a vacation:

…it might not be such a good time to swim off the coast of Florida, where 100,000 sharks were recently spotted swimming close to shore. Helicopter pilot Steve Irwin, who saw the sharks, believes they were spinner sharks, which received that name because of their unusual method of feeding. They swim rapidly through schools, spinning along the axis of their bodies and sometimes leaping out of the water.

The menace of the snakepocalypse is everywhere. In the sky. On the ground. In the tunnels!

Boston transit officials say a 3-foot boa constrictor that escaped from its subway-riding owner last month was found on an adjoining car Thursday.

This story prompts many questions. What did the snake do all month? What plots did it plot in the darkness of the subway? Why did it take officials A MONTH to find a THREE FOOT LONG SNAKE on the adjoining car?! Seriously, the total terrain covered and in which to search for a GIANT SNAKE was not vast.

Noble fighters of the coming snakepocalypse need to be aware that snake threats can be anywhere, and stay alert. Our thanks to the commuter who spotted the snake and alerted transit officials to the menace.